I’ve officially decided to start blogging again. I felt with this new year that I needed a new blog. This one is like 6 years old or something and I’m just ready to move on from all that. Happy New Year!
This year has started and ended in such a low place for me. I won’t lie, there were good parts to 2013 but there was also a lot of loss, depression, loneliness, and frustration. Learning to let go of people who were toxic to my life and learning to have to let go of people or things that I didn’t want to and wasn’t ready to yet. I have never felt more alone than I have at certain times this past year. I have never felt so lost. I have never felt so not myself. This has been the biggest year of change in my entire life. Last year at this time I had been living in Oklahoma for two weeks and now I’m in California and through it all I have almost nothing to show for it. How did I get here, I don’t know. I’m so ready to start a new an I feel like somehow it is all wrapping up right here at the exact end of 2013. In this next year I vow to focus on myself in all facets of life. I think if I can do that hopefully by the time 2015 rolls around I might be happy again….
One of the most courageous decisions you will ever make is to finally let go of whatever is hurting your heart and soul.
I still get very high and very low in life. Daily. But I’ve finally accepted the fact that sensitive is just how I was made, that I don’t have to hide it and I don’t have to fix it. I’m not broken.
I’m thinking of starting this up again. I dunno…Mark always tells me I should. I have to be honest, I’ve enjoyed my vacation from the interwebs. No facebook, no tumblr, no twitter, no nothing but instagram. I like the almost peacefulness it brings to not be constantly checking up on people who aren’t even in your life. I’v enjoyed keeping my things private and keeping myself away from everyone else’s. But the fact remains that at this particular juncture in my life all I want to do is talk to someone and at the same time not to anyone in particular so I guess just typing it out for the internet just might be exactly what I need.
These past few days have been hard. Hard isn’t even the word. In case you don’t know my dog Cody died on Monday. It hurts so much to even admit that it’s real. He has been my little shadow and best friend for so long but especially since we’ve been here in California. He has been sick for a long time and was basically the reason I never got a job. I spent my entire day taking care of him and looking after him and just doing everything possible to make him better. It sounds impossible to fill that much of your day up taking care of a dog but I swear it’s true. Now with him gone I’m not only forced to deal with the fact that he’s not here I’m also left to deal with the reality of my life. I have one friend out here. I don’t have a job. I don’t know anyone and I don’t even know where to start. I’ve gotten used to it being just Mark and me. I don’t even know what it’s like to have friends in my life on a regular basis that I actually hang out with in real life. I’ve gotten so used to being in a temporary situation and just constantly putting off my life goals because how can you start when you’re just going to have to start over again? But the fact is I’m no longer in a temporary situation. We are in California (finally) and we’re not going anywhere, at least for a long time, so there can be no more procrastinating. To say that I feel worthless and alone would be an understatement. I’m so thankful to have Mark because he really has been my rock through all of this. He’s the only one that truly knows what I’m going through and without him I’d be completely lost. He always supports me no matter what and it’s because of him that I’m going to make it through this period in my life. I’ve got some serious soul searching and work to do on myself and I’m not sure exactly how to go about it or how it will work out but the important thing is I am trying. I miss Cody every second of every day and I don’t want to stop because then I’ll feel like he’s really gone but at some point I have to move on and with every second I’m just trying to figure out how all that goes.
This is not the christmas that I wanted this year.
I’ve had this blog for over 5 years and I’ve loved documenting my life over that period of time but recently something has changed. I’m looking to work on my real life relationships and and truly live in the present. I waste entirely too much time on my computer and I’ve decided to change that. I feel as tho I’ve made so many friends on here and I will truly miss you all! I would very much like to keep in touch with many of you so if you feel the same way message me your contact info and I will do the same. Id love to be pen pals and continue our friendships in other ways outside of tumblr. My actual blog won’t be deleted for a little bit as I’d like to print out a lot of my entries so I won’t be totally gone for a while but I won’t be updating anymore. It’s been real tumblr. I am gonna miss you and a lot of the people I’ve met through you but it’s time to move on.
I spent all day today with my girl Rachel. We hiked up into these wind caves. It was absolutely beautiful but I have to admit that a couple times I thought I was going to fall off the edge of the cliff. Rachel just jumped back and forth from each precarious spot like it was nothing but these legs just had a much harder time. I felt as though they were learning to do something for the very first time, which they kind of were. After that we hiked back down into the creek and waded around in the nice cold water. It was 100 degrees here today so it felt amazing! After that her wonderful boyfriend cooked us lunch and then we headed to her hot yoga class. She has been teaching yoga since 2007 and I have never gone to one of her classes. To be fair she’s been living on the opposite side of the country for most of that time. It felt so good to finally be in one of her classes because A) she’s one of my best friends and I feel totally comfortable with her B) we have the same taste in music so I loved every single song she played so much and C) because she’s a damn good yoga teacher. I’m actually sitting in the lobby right now writing this post on their computer while she teaches her second class. I thought about doing two classes in a row but they’re both an hour and a half and I’ve already been hot all day so I thought it might be best to sit this one out. Can’t wait to get back to her adorable little house, shower, eat dinner, and get back to our UFO watching and discussions of the universe on her front porch. It feels good to be here, so good.